I’ve been struggling lately with this. I’m agnostic. And I suffered a miscarriage last year.
An agnostic is defined, using Google’s dictionary, as “a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.” Basically, Agnostics just don’t know what to believe because there really is no proof of anything and it’s just hard to believe in something that hasn’t been proven to be real. As much as we may wish we believed in something sometimes, we just can’t.
I lost my baby and I don’t know what happened to him. I would love nothing more than to take comfort in believing that he went to some wonderful place (like Heaven) or that he’s being taken care of by angels or that he’s watching over his big sister or ANYTHING. I would love to know that something happened with him.
I don’t want to believe that he just disappeared into nothingness. I don’t want to accept that maybe he just died and I will never, ever see him. I never got to meet him and I never will. My daughter will never get to meet her little brother. That’s not comforting whatsoever.
I’m jealous of those who have faith in whatever they believe in. I wish I did. I hope they’re right. As I said, I’m agnostic, so I don’t deny the possibility of these things. But I also have a hard time believing them with all the scientific evidence refuting those faithful theories. But science can’t explain everything either. Anyway, I just admit that I don’t know what happens after death and I don’t know if there is some kind of higher power. I just wish that I did know. I wish I had something to believe in that would provide me with some comfort. With some closure. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. And that makes it really, really hard for me.
I hope so badly that there is something beyond this world and that when we die we get to see all our loved ones again (or for the first time). Please, please let that be real.
Until then, I guess I’ll just have to hope.