Grieving as an Agnostic

10 August, 2018 / 7 Comments

I’ve been struggling lately with this.  I’m agnostic.  And I suffered a miscarriage last year.

An agnostic is defined, using Google’s dictionary, as “a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.”  Basically, Agnostics just don’t know what to believe because there really is no proof of anything and it’s just hard to believe in something that hasn’t been proven to be real.  As much as we may wish we believed in something sometimes, we just can’t.  

I lost my baby and I don’t know what happened to him.  I would love nothing more than to take comfort in believing that he went to some wonderful place (like Heaven) or that he’s being taken care of by angels or that he’s watching over his big sister or ANYTHING.  I would love to know that something happened with him.

I don’t want to believe that he just disappeared into nothingness.  I don’t want to accept that maybe he just died and I will never, ever see him.  I never got to meet him and I never will.  My daughter will never get to meet her little brother.  That’s not comforting whatsoever.

I’m jealous of those who have faith in whatever they believe in.  I wish I did.  I hope they’re right.  As I said, I’m agnostic, so I don’t deny the possibility of these things.  But I also have a hard time believing them with all the scientific evidence refuting those faithful theories.  But science can’t explain everything either.  Anyway, I just admit that I don’t know what happens after death and I don’t know if there is some kind of higher power.  I just wish that I did know.  I wish I had something to believe in that would provide me with some comfort.  With some closure.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case.  And that makes it really, really hard for me.

I hope so badly that there is something beyond this world and that when we die we get to see all our loved ones again (or for the first time).  Please, please let that be real.

Until then, I guess I’ll just have to hope.

 

Share your story:  Anyone else struggle with this?  Anyone else agnostic and find it difficult to grieve?  Please feel free to comment no matter your religious beliefs.  I am agnostic and, therefore, don’t judge.  I welcome your opinions.

Feature photo originally designed by Freepik, modified by Sharing Inspired Kreations

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Posted 10 August, 2018 by Sam in Discussions, Parenting / 7 CommentsTags: , , ,


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7 Responses to “Grieving as an Agnostic”

  1. It is terrifying not to know. Someone close in my family had a miscarriage- my heart goes out to you. I hope you do find comfort, in whatever form that is. As a Christian I definitely have faith in an afterlife, and I hope I’m right too! The alternative is pretty bleak. Struggling with what to believe, and not knowing, is such an intensely personal journey for all of us. I think in the end we all have to hope.

    • Sam

      I hope you’re right too! I’m glad you have faith in an afterlife. That must bring you some comfort even if we can’t know for sure? Thanks so much for your comment. <3

  2. Hi Sam, first let me say I think I know what you are going through. I’m an agnostic too and I also suffered a miscarriage. You described my feelings exactly. I desperately wish I had the faith others have because it is indeed comforting. But no matter how hard I try I can’t believe what other people do, precisely because of all the scientific evidence against most religious beliefs. I just try really hard not think about it. I hope we all (you, me and other people in our situation) find some comfort soon. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.

    • Sam

      Thanks so much Daniela. That means a lot. I’m so sorry that you suffered a miscarriage too. It’s quite an awful thing to go through and even though it’s so common, you can’t fully understand until you go through it. Like anything I suppose. I completely agree with you. It makes it so difficult. Yes, I suppose we will just have to try not to think about it and just hope that there is SOMETHING. Someday we will either have answers or not, and if not then I guess it won’t make a difference, will it?

  3. I’m so sorry for your struggle, Sam. Faith is such a personal journey, and sometimes things happen that make us reevaluate things. I completely understand that a lot of people believe that science and faith oppose each other, but the more I really looked into it (I was an atheist until my senior year of high school), the more compatible they seemed. (No, you don’t have to be a climate change denier to be a Christian. LOL!) For instance, I believe in evolution, but if you look at the diversity of life on earth, natural selection and mutation alone can’t properly explain it. I always tell my kids that science is important and we need to learn about the world around us, but we also have to realize that 100 years from now, people are going to look at some of the things our scientists believe strongly and laugh at us. No matter what we believe there’s a level of faith involved. I’ve undeniably felt God’s presence in my life, so for me, ignoring that would be as weird as denying science.

    Anyway, all that is to say, if you’re feeling drawn to faith, you might want to look into a bit more before you decide it’s not for you. Maybe you have a friend who’s a believer who you could talk to? Sorry if this comes off as me being pushy—that’s not my intention at all. I just know that when I had questions, it was good for me to have someone there who would be willing to answer them, even if I wasn’t so sure about all the answers at first!

    No matter what, I hope you find the peace you need and people who understand. I’ll be sending love and good wishes (and some prayers) your way!

    • Sam

      Thanks so much for this, Nicole. It is just really difficult because I have trouble believing in things that don’t make sense to me. I’m just not sure! And it doesn’t help that there are so many things that I disagree with about most religions (sexism, prejudices, etc.). I would never be able to stand 100% behind a religion, whether I believe the general beliefs of that religion or not. I appreciate your comment so much!! <3

      • I totally get it. I’m not gonna lie—there are plenty of aspects of religion (even my own!) that I question. I’m okay with that because, for me, questioning is part of the process and part of what makes my faith more real. But I know that everyone has their own experiences and their own journey!

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